Das Vidanya

Maybe it is because of all the video games, movies, and Tom Clancey novels, but I am kinda just spent on the Russians being the bad guy. Don’t get me wrong, they are still God-less heathen commies, but like the 15th Nightmare on Elm Street movie, it gets kinda old all after a while.

Now I will admit that some of the hard feelings have been melted because of the exportation of Russian female tennis players. I mean with ambassadors like these there still could be hope for Russia and Britain to stop their little argument.

It becomes even more tiresome since because of all the decades of the Cold War, we are at least familiar with Russian culture. Vodka, funny dancing, and ending ones sentences with “All for Mother Russia”. This is especially true when there is that new villain with a funnier accent and stranger culture out in the Middle East, though even they are starting to get more ridiculous hype than Cloverfield.

With a stranger accent, mixed with a strange and exotic culture, and the only real communication between cultures being when they invaded Europe to expand Islam, and the Crusades, lets just say that we may have gotten off on the wrong foot.

Add in the religious idealism that Islam serves to complete Christianity, and a doctrine of active martyrdom and there is a great possibility of conflict spiraling out of hand. With this helps Conservatives fear monger in order to win elections that would be lost on ideas, it can also fray already fragile relations.

With this changing of the enemy comes a changing of tactics, as well as a change in the rules. Or at least it should. Correct me if I am wrong, but the Napoleonic style of charging ones enemies didn’t work out too well in WWI. The two history majors in the back know what I am talking about. Adaptation is necessary for any organism to survive in the ever changing environment that is the world of foreign policy.

Although when you try to mention this to the conservative right, all they hear is, “adaptation could lead to evolution, and that is a slight against God, and environment is code for global warming, and that is merely a tool of the devil to make us swear allegiance to the desolate one.” So of course nothing gets done, the answer is always, “Nuke ‘Em” cause that will solve the problem.

So now we see Russia trying to get in the spotlight as the evil maniacal villain, only he can’t really do much except be a sidekick to the Iranian Star. Although we still want that missile shield against them cause, well they may still go ahead and launch after a Vodka Binge.  Instead of the specter of Red Tanks rolling into Europe, we need to worry about Turbans loaded with C4.  So the awesome sequel of Cold War Part Deaux - Das Vidanya.

Declare A Jihad On Me…

 Due to what some may call soul searching, self examination, inner reflexion, I have discovered that while some of my more recent writings may have had one or two humorous points to them, the overall tone has been very serious, academic even.

Well not today!

While I cannot take credit for the inspiration behind many of the jokes written below, I did reformulate the language of them in order to not be accused of plagiarism. Then again having such low morals and expectations seems to have worked out well for our President.

Signs that you are a Fundamentalist Islamic Terrorist…the cheap joke here would be to say you are either Arab, or Islamic, but this is a sophisticated site. So instead, you deserve to be ridiculed and possibly water-boarded, but not tortured,  if any below describe your Middle East country of choice…

1. You have declared a Jihad against Pokemon, because it promotes Zionist principles - even though everything about the game shows it was created in Japan.

2. You refine and sell heroine to pay for the murder of women and children by using suicide bombers at crowded shopping markets, but have a moral and religious objections to the consumption of alcohol.

3. You consider the ideologies of the West, such as being able to vote, women not dressed as bee keepers, and television to be dangerous, but you routinely carry around a rocket launcher, and an AK.

4. When receiving your first cell phone your first thought was how you could use it to attack US or Israeli convoys, instead of calling friends and family.

5. Burning down embassies and rioting is the way you show that stereotypes of Islam being violent are untrue.

6. You demand that the land you lost while being the aggressor in multiple wars be given back to you, and to punctuate the point that you are ready to be a part of the International Community by chanting “Death to Israel! Death to America!”.

7. You arrested a Teacher for letting her class of 7 year olds name a Teddy Bear Muhammad, yet having 2 million people named Muhammad is fine, even if they be violent and vile people.

8. Having a relative being killed while attacking the Israeli Military is proof of atrocities by a Zionist government, but were that same relative to kill women and children at a crowded market it is proof he was a hero.

9. You cite that “Land for Peace” is what you want, only when you are offered Land for Peace, you turn it down and say you want more.

10. You care more about killing your enemies children, than you do about taking care of your own children’s future.

The only way that these can’t be funny in a depressing way is if they cease to be true, then they can be funny ha ha. Islam is represented by the people who are the loudest and most visible of its followers. Those happen to be vile, despicable, cowards who are not shunned by the majority of the Islamic world, merely quietly, and not so quietly, rooted for.

Many of the Islamic world feel this is unfair, and how dare we call a faith of peace to be so violent. They neglect the fact that much of Middle Eastern hatred of the West is rooted in the Crusades, which may have been violent, but also over 500 years ago.

So it is that we hear of the Palestinian People celebrating the attacks of 9-11, and the Saudi Arabian government get a free pass on an education system that fostered those attacks. If you don’t like it then I dare you, Declare A Jihad On Me.