So it comes to the American People the decision of who would compete for the office that will lead this once great nation for the next four years. Given their decisions to nominate and elect Bush twice, one can understand my great reservations that they will make a smart decision this time around.
So it has come to humble servants of the people such as myself to break through all the political slander, swift boat ads funded by underhanded false patriots who would much rather squander in their own self deluded filth, than enjoy a true intellectual debate.
The two Candidates for the Communist, I mean Democrat, Party are Barak Obama, and Hillary Clinton. Both would do superior jobs as an executive, especially when compared to their predecessor, Mr. Potato Head. What separates these two is a slight, but at the same time profound difference of tone.
Barak Obama has the tome of a man with a dream. These inspire us to reach for greatness because they believe that we can in fact achieve whatever goal if only we were to apply ourselves and the hard working tenacity that defines Americans. It is that innate sense of inspiration that made Reagan a cult figure for those who are to worship no god before God. (Although they are sure that God surely did not mean Reagan)
Obama faces a challenge that is the experience of George Bush. One may look at several number of wonderful history making events that this country has had to deal with from a man who was learning on the job. The world is much more complicated than American’s thought in 2000, and having a new kid on the block may not be so much better than a known commodity.
Hillary Clinton on the other hand is a woman with a plan. The devil is in the details, which is why one may always find Cheney to be found there. The tone of her campaign is to show us the path to tread to achieve greatness, because she has the ability to see things that the average American can’t. Hillary faces two great challenges. The first is that she is a woman, and an ambitious one at that. Americans may like to say women can reach for the star, just so long as she doesn’t conscience decisions along the way to make that goal a reality.
The second challenge is that with Clinton’s tone of having a plan insinuates that she has the answers. There is a reason why the science dweebs get shoved in lockers, because no one likes to feel they don’t have answers. That and it is a fun thing to do that builds one’s, not the one in the locker of course, self esteem. Being seen as smarter than everybody is intimidating, which is why Bush is such a likable guy, cause he can’t even intimidate his dog.
On the God’s Creationist but still piddle little boys, of course I mean Republican Party, they have a bit of a harder message to wade through. This is of course because Bush did not have a plan for what would happen once he stopped being President. One would think that can be seen as a theme, then then the Republican’s don’t like to think so much as be told what to do. (That is why subsidies for white farmers is necessary but subsidies for urban black people is unforgivable betrayal of our nation’s principles)
The three candidates are a POW, Mormon, and Environmentalist Evangelical. One would think given the historical stances of the Party, that the last two would be shot, rather than seen as legitimate choices. God has shown that science is false, and that global warming is merely the tool of Satan’s Scientists to keep aborting gay babies. (Although an interesting question would be if abortion is wrong, and gays should be killed, is aborting a gay baby a sin? I digress…)
McCain’s message is simple, he used to be a maverick that did not roll to the whims of the extremists of his party and is therefore a good guy. Although he looks to his competition and says I am the only truly not crazy guy left running for the nomination so I kinda have to get it. His challenge is that he became the lapdog of a man who used sleazy campaign tricks, meant to take advantage of racial discrimination, to be the nominee in 2000. Thus he is seen as a little tainted and somehow less noble than he used to be.
Romney’s message is more about the war in Iraq, wait the polls now says he cares about healthcare. Wait the new polls says that he cares about illegal immigration. Now is says that he is to make Hannah Montana tickets available for free. Abortion tolerable, Abortion very bad, Mormons are Christians too, somebody believe me! His big problem is that he is a poll (pole) driven Mormon who belongs to a party that thinks that flip flopping is a democratic tool to get elected, and that Mormons are a cult.
Huckabee is quite simply a well meaning idiot, whose message is that he wants to keep appearing on the Colbert Report. His challenges are that the writers strike is on and that Colbert has waged his own war against Conan O’brian.
That is who you get to decide will annoy us with terrible commercials until November, on A Semi-Interesting Tuesday.
