My apologies to those of you hoping to get a taste of my wit in explaining why Iran is too immature to be allowed nuclear weapons. There is a much more deserving target of my disdain today, and unless the resident should figure out what the red button is for, I suppose Iran will be there for at least another day. No I am placing my hate towards something we can all relate to, Stupid people who are allowed to drive.
I would like to use this public forum to berate the imbecilic, idiotic and other derogatory words that begin with I, that is the Northern Virginia/District of Columbia driver. Now I understand that people may have different driving patters due to the weather, I get that, but to slow to a crawl on the freeway because of mist is unacceptable.

Now physics is the general rules that, even if you are a Southern Baptist, apply to the known universe. One of these quite simple rules is two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time. So if I am in the middle lane YOU cannot, so stop trying to muscle over. You can either wait the .51 milliseconds it takes for me to get by you, or speed up a tad.

As we are on the subject for those of you who use the blinker, it was designed to let people know your intentions to move over, make their own adjustments, then allow you in. It is not a “I have my blinker on, I am coming in” device. You are counting on the other driver being aware that you think you are important; when dear friends even your mom and God can’t stand you. I know cause they both told me you were a mistake.

Another thing as we are on the topic of lane changes, “Merge” is defined by dictionary.com as “to combine blend or unite gradually so to blur the individuality or individual identity of. This means that you use the merge lane in order to “gradually unite” into the flow of traffic. Not speed down the lane and then at the last minute cut someone off.

“But teacher”, you will say, “the merge lane seems to move faster.” It is because numb-nuts like you keep cutting everybody off to let you in. If everybody is going 20 miles an hour it would be transitioning fine, but because you mutants keep cutting everybody off, we have jerky stop and go traffic. So everybody loses, especially me, because you are ignorant of how befuddling stupid you are, whereas I have to risk an aneurysm because I am screaming at you.

Also if someone is trying to pass you, that is not a sign that you then need to speed up; just to keep in front of someone. That move just proves that you like to kick puppies and stomp babies. The time to speed up, or “merge” into the slow lane would be before people actually need to speed by your driving ms daisy self.

I feel as though I am forgetting something, ah yes, if there is a traffic jam and nobody else is moving, DON”T honk your horn at me. Though I may have intellectual powers that appear god-like, they have limitations. I cannot hurl the cars in front of me to make way for you because you want to watch the 15th rerun of Kermit the Frog. Though it would be cool, but the physics won’t allow it.